I shouldn’t happen to a vet

My husband tells me that one day my vet will write his memoirs and I will feature heavily in them.

I’m the owner who asked the vet to examine a tumour on the bottom of my little poodle. All I’ll say is I know why they are called poo-dles and the tumour didn’t need to be biopsies 💩😳

I’m also the client who got her vet to meet me at the surgery for an emergency appointment for a cat with a blocked bladder who couldn’t pass urine. One looked at the vet and the cat flooded the surgery 🌊

Then there were the visits with Finn the Newfoundland because

“He got the lid of a tin of quality Street and ate them all……papers and all!”

“He opened the fridge door and ate two dozen chocolate brownies”

“He opened the oven door and ate a dozen mince pies that were cooling down”

Or “He got the dogs’ medicine box and ate all Henry’s ( our boxer) beef flavoured heart tablets”

The vet told me not to worry too much about that one…… “They’re vasodilators…….like Viagra…….just don’t bend over in front of him for the next few days”

But not incidents were my fault. What about the time I took the two guinea pigs for a check up? The young vet listened to the heart of the first one and it promptly passed away! He refused to listen to the heart of the second guinea pig 🤷‍♀️

Or the time the vet kept ignoring me as she walked back and forwards through the waiting room eventually asking

“Are you being seen to?”

“I’m waiting to see you”

“Do you have an animal out in the car?”

“No it’s on my knee” I said pointing to a very largesse doing leopard tortoise

“OMG I thought that was your handbag!”

Weight for it

This morning I took the bull by the horns…..Or possibly the elephant by the trunk…….I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months! Oh I knew I’d put on weight. I had to go up a dress size ( well jeans) and even they are getting tight on me. I thought I was prepared for anything!

I stepped gingerly onto the scales and the numbers came up. Sigh of relief when I realised they weren’t in stones……A few more minutes of blissful ignorance until I made the conversion.

Then………aagghhhhhhhh……No that can’t be true I’d be going up a bus size not a dress size!

Took off my sketchers and PJs…..They’re very heavy …..Kept on my unicorn socks ( they give me comfort) and tried again.

The numbers dropped by 1 lb 😭

WAIT! 1 lb!!!!!! I thought I was weighing myself in kilos 😂

Another conversion rate tells the truth……Not great but hey I lost over 10 stone just in doing the conversation so pass me some cake ……I’ll diet tomorrow

Doggy dilemas

Sitting downstairs from 6.30 am with this one on my knee because….as an older lady…..she has perfected the “if you don’t come down I may be going to pee in the house but actually I just think you should feed me and give me a cuddle” bark…….And I can’t take any chances. Not only that but my Newfoundland ( who is also elderly) doesn’t appreciate the early morning barking either. He assumes she is aware of danger and he needs to take action……. Like find somewhere to hide or find someone to protect him!

Meanwhile this boy feels the need to gather as many of my clothes as his tiny body can drag to my bed. As I was sorting out my wardrobe yesterday he’s obviously been too busy to get much sleep last night!

For those who don’t know me I currently have 4 dogs……Or rather they currently have me. I love them all very much and they all have very different petsonalities……But after a night out on the town with a few glasses of red wine I could do without the early morning alarm call! So next time she does this I shall put my head under the pillow and ignore them both……..Though that may be difficult if the newfy tries to get into bed with us as he has done before when terrified 😫

Teed off

Marriage tip -Don’t let your husband play golf near anywhere you love to walk.

Me, walking, enjoying the mountains, the sand dunes with the sea appearing, the sound of the birds, the sound of the waves …….And him rabbiting on “Can you see that green over there that’s where Jonny…….” “Look at the the tee box…..when I teed off from there……”

I’m pretty teed off myself! Thank goodness dogs don’t golf! Stick with the dogs for walking …..You may have to pick up 💩 but you want have to listen to it 🙉

PS I love him really ❤️

Dogs, dogs and more dogs

My family think I’m obsessed with dogs which is totally nonsense. I’m not obsessed with them at all……I just like them that’s all……quite a lot.

Most dogs like me too. That’s the reason I have to stop to say hello to them. I can see them looking at me as I walk past……Not in a passing glance sort of way but in a very definite “Yoohoo I’m over here” way! It would be hurtful to ignore that!

My husband was adamant I should at least have tried to ignore it at LA airport security but the beautiful springer spaniel was determined I should talk to him before he carried out his search duties….Which did cause both my husband and the security guard a few anxious moments.

I wonder if I’ve been a dog in a past life? Is that why I have that affinity with them? I don’t generally sniff lampposts or greet people with a nose up their bottom but I do like eating, sleeping, going for walks and being made a fuss off. To be fair in my other past life working with young children I have followed a few around, nose close to bottom height sniffing -not my favourite part of the job 😷 💩

Anyway I’m certainly not obsessed with dogs- despite the fact my son just told me that his friend says he tells his new pup “just a quick hello then walk on” is appropriate on meeting another dog. ” Just like we need to keep reminding you mum!”

Dirty dancing

Well not quite “dirty” but certainly not what I was expecting. At the tender age of 52 I was thinking I’d love to do a dance class for fitness. A friend suggested I came along to her burlesque class. Now I shouldn’t have been surprised but I was. There were subtle clues I totally missed

1. The friend was in her early 20’s

2. The class was in a pole dancing studio

3. We were told to bring feather boas

4. It was called “burlesque”

I’m not sure quite what I expected but what I didn’t expect was the friend (and instructor )to be in her underwear (although my husband wanted to join the following week when I told him) . Nor did I expect to have to dance seductively……My seducing days were long last……Actually I’m pretty sure I missed out on them completely.

The highlight of my night was learning how to remove my stocking “seductively”.I think what made it even more interesting was that I wasn’t wearing stockings but I was given a thick woolly over-the-knee sock as a substitute.

Now I don’t want you to have nightmares but just picture a 52 year old lady in T-shirt and leggings seductively removing a big woolly sock and you’ll see why I never made it to a second class. I think I need to work on my moves 😳🙈

Horses for courses and other animals

I’m a dog lover -always have been- but I’m always willing to help out a animals in distress. I’ve chased cows in high heels ( to be fair they don’t run fast in high heels 😉) I’m always looking out for sheep that might need rolling over (Google it if you don’t know …..I’m not here to educate). So I’m appealing to all horse owner please keep your horses secure!

I’m tired of standing in the road late at night or early morning trying to slow down traffic while drivers toot recklessly at “the mad woman in onesie playing with her horse in the middle of the road”

I know nothing about horses…..Except they’re big and I don’t ever want to see what happens when one collides with a car!

My poor husband’s face the night he was wakened out of bed by banging at the door and came down to find me and a very large, strange horse looking through the glass!

“I don’t care what you say Deborah under no circumstances are you bringing that into our house!”

I only wanted him to ring the police for me 😂

So if you see a woman in a onesie or in a dress and high heels with a horse, or a cow in the middle of the road please slow down! Better still offer to help even if only by phoning the police! She is either just trying to stop an accident……Or she needs locked up for her own good…..Or possibly both 😜