Teed off

Marriage tip -Don’t let your husband play golf near anywhere you love to walk.

Me, walking, enjoying the mountains, the sand dunes with the sea appearing, the sound of the birds, the sound of the waves …….And him rabbiting on “Can you see that green over there that’s where Jonny…….” “Look at the the tee box…..when I teed off from there……”

I’m pretty teed off myself! Thank goodness dogs don’t golf! Stick with the dogs for walking …..You may have to pick up 💩 but you want have to listen to it 🙉

PS I love him really ❤️

Dogs, dogs and more dogs

My family think I’m obsessed with dogs which is totally nonsense. I’m not obsessed with them at all……I just like them that’s all……quite a lot.

Most dogs like me too. That’s the reason I have to stop to say hello to them. I can see them looking at me as I walk past……Not in a passing glance sort of way but in a very definite “Yoohoo I’m over here” way! It would be hurtful to ignore that!

My husband was adamant I should at least have tried to ignore it at LA airport security but the beautiful springer spaniel was determined I should talk to him before he carried out his search duties….Which did cause both my husband and the security guard a few anxious moments.

I wonder if I’ve been a dog in a past life? Is that why I have that affinity with them? I don’t generally sniff lampposts or greet people with a nose up their bottom but I do like eating, sleeping, going for walks and being made a fuss off. To be fair in my other past life working with young children I have followed a few around, nose close to bottom height sniffing -not my favourite part of the job 😷 💩

Anyway I’m certainly not obsessed with dogs- despite the fact my son just told me that his friend says he tells his new pup “just a quick hello then walk on” is appropriate on meeting another dog. ” Just like we need to keep reminding you mum!”

Dirty dancing

Well not quite “dirty” but certainly not what I was expecting. At the tender age of 52 I was thinking I’d love to do a dance class for fitness. A friend suggested I came along to her burlesque class. Now I shouldn’t have been surprised but I was. There were subtle clues I totally missed

1. The friend was in her early 20’s

2. The class was in a pole dancing studio

3. We were told to bring feather boas

4. It was called “burlesque”

I’m not sure quite what I expected but what I didn’t expect was the friend (and instructor )to be in her underwear (although my husband wanted to join the following week when I told him) . Nor did I expect to have to dance seductively……My seducing days were long last……Actually I’m pretty sure I missed out on them completely.

The highlight of my night was learning how to remove my stocking “seductively”.I think what made it even more interesting was that I wasn’t wearing stockings but I was given a thick woolly over-the-knee sock as a substitute.

Now I don’t want you to have nightmares but just picture a 52 year old lady in T-shirt and leggings seductively removing a big woolly sock and you’ll see why I never made it to a second class. I think I need to work on my moves 😳🙈

Dogs and disasters on the world wide web

This is Barney. I’ve always loved cocker spaniels from an early age. One day I decided that I would like to get one. So I got Barney. Not a rescue dog but a pup from a small “hobby breeder” who had two beautiful bitches that he showed. I did my homework, pre-internet and gumtree days, before I choose the breeder and the pup.

Barney came with a pedigree as long as your arm but it was still no guarantee of healthy dog. My poor wee man took his first seizure at 6 months and died at just 4 despite all the medication he was on having gone into “status epilepticus” or constant seizures.

But this isn’t about pedigree v mongrel, rescue v buying or about Barney’s ill health …except that it was mainly because of Barney I began to use the internet and became familiar with Google……Possibly over familiar 🤔

Barney was a black cocker and was hairier than the average cocker. He was also slightly on the large side. People were always asking me what breed he was……I was so delighted to meet one lady in the park who commented on how beautiful he was and how he was “very obviously a good pedigree” .l

….then asked “what breed is he?”

Wouldn’t have been so bad but she had a golden cocker with her.

So back I went to google. It had been a godsend when it came to getting information about canine epilepsy and treatments available. At least I thought so……Ian my vet got quite irritated by my constant “helpful advice”.

“You wouldn’t go to your doctor and tell him how to treat your children would you?”

Course not! Thanks to dr google’s advice I rarely had to take my children to the doctor!

Anyway back to Barney. He couldn’t be that unusual for his breed could he? So I did a search of Google images “cocker big black hairy male” ………And that was how I learned about internet safety settings 🙈

Horses for courses and other animals

I’m a dog lover -always have been- but I’m always willing to help out a animals in distress. I’ve chased cows in high heels ( to be fair they don’t run fast in high heels 😉) I’m always looking out for sheep that might need rolling over (Google it if you don’t know …..I’m not here to educate). So I’m appealing to all horse owner please keep your horses secure!

I’m tired of standing in the road late at night or early morning trying to slow down traffic while drivers toot recklessly at “the mad woman in onesie playing with her horse in the middle of the road”

I know nothing about horses…..Except they’re big and I don’t ever want to see what happens when one collides with a car!

My poor husband’s face the night he was wakened out of bed by banging at the door and came down to find me and a very large, strange horse looking through the glass!

“I don’t care what you say Deborah under no circumstances are you bringing that into our house!”

I only wanted him to ring the police for me 😂

So if you see a woman in a onesie or in a dress and high heels with a horse, or a cow in the middle of the road please slow down! Better still offer to help even if only by phoning the police! She is either just trying to stop an accident……Or she needs locked up for her own good…..Or possibly both 😜

A blue boob and Pocahontas

How are the two connected? Well they’re not really except that they were both times when I ended up looking slightly crazy while trying to do the right thing.

Let’s start with the boob as I know that’s why you’re here.

Any woman who has found a lump in her breast knows the fear that courses through you…..But thankfully for 9 out of 10 of us those lumps will turn out to be something harmless. In my case they’re cysts. Once I found one and as usual made a GP appointment to have it checked out. Knowing how busy doctors are and wanting to make life simple I marked the spot with a big black x …..And went to work.

Later that day I explained to the GP why I was there and undressed for the examination telling her ( smugly) I’d marked the lump with felt tip…….What had started out that morning as a small neat black “x” was now a big blue smudge covering the whole of my breast! I have the most professional GP ever! She excused herself , left the room briefly then returned acting as if a blue boob was something she examined every day of the week 🙈

Pocahontas was again one of those times were things took an expected turn. I was a nursery teacher and we were having a fancy dress party at school- see straightforward so far).I decided to be Pocahontas and to wear my costume to and from school as I was going straight there and home…..I thought.

Getting there wasn’t an issue, the party went well and the children loved my costume. Then for the drive home.

Well, along the busiest road on my journey home, in rush hour traffic, I spotted a tiny dog running back and forward dodging cars and lorries and no-one was stopping! So I did….I stopped and I chased and I risked life and limb getting tooted at……but I got it safely back to its home were the owner snstched it from me without a word and closed the door in my face! I was livid. I went home and told my husband the whole sorry tale!

“I get why you’re annoyed” he said ” you see an ungrateful owner whose dog you saved…… However…….I see a woman who opens her door, sees a lunatic in war paint standing there holding her dogs so grabs it and gets herself and it safely inside and phones the police! The sight of you running around like that in broad daylight was likely to cause more accidents then the dog!”

Just as well I wasn’t in my pirate costume then 🤔