I shouldn’t happen to a vet

My husband tells me that one day my vet will write his memoirs and I will feature heavily in them.

I’m the owner who asked the vet to examine a tumour on the bottom of my little poodle. All I’ll say is I know why they are called poo-dles and the tumour didn’t need to be biopsies 💩😳

I’m also the client who got her vet to meet me at the surgery for an emergency appointment for a cat with a blocked bladder who couldn’t pass urine. One looked at the vet and the cat flooded the surgery 🌊

Then there were the visits with Finn the Newfoundland because

“He got the lid of a tin of quality Street and ate them all……papers and all!”

“He opened the fridge door and ate two dozen chocolate brownies”

“He opened the oven door and ate a dozen mince pies that were cooling down”

Or “He got the dogs’ medicine box and ate all Henry’s ( our boxer) beef flavoured heart tablets”

The vet told me not to worry too much about that one…… “They’re vasodilators…….like Viagra…….just don’t bend over in front of him for the next few days”

But not incidents were my fault. What about the time I took the two guinea pigs for a check up? The young vet listened to the heart of the first one and it promptly passed away! He refused to listen to the heart of the second guinea pig 🤷‍♀️

Or the time the vet kept ignoring me as she walked back and forwards through the waiting room eventually asking

“Are you being seen to?”

“I’m waiting to see you”

“Do you have an animal out in the car?”

“No it’s on my knee” I said pointing to a very largesse doing leopard tortoise

“OMG I thought that was your handbag!”

10 things I’ve least enjoyed about having pets

  1. The horror of going to the loo after your guests have used it and finding that the cat food you thought you’d flushed down it earlier is still floating suspiciously in the bowl 😳
  2. The look on the face of the delivery man standing outside your door as you are screaming abuse while on your hands and knees cleaning the floor…… wearing an Eeyore onesie……whilst a 10 stone Newfoundland ( the canine version not a slim Canadian) is attempting to hump you. Multi-tasking at its not so finest.
  3. The face of the vet when she realises that your huge handbag is in fact a very large leopard tortoise which you’d like her to examine.
  4. The face on the other vet when the tumour you’re concerned about under the tail of your little poodle cross is in fact a dangling turd.
  5. Having to repeatedly apologise to your neighbour because the Newfoundland had yet again managed to escape and was once more paddling in his fish pond
  6. The disbelief on the face of the policeman who comes to the door with that same Newfoundland who was causing an obstruction on the road ……..And you tell him you didn’t notice he was missing.
  7. The disgust on the faces of your husband and son when the Newfoundland (again) goes missing one Sunday morning so you have them trekking fields and climbing fences to find him…..Then you tell them you’d better let your daughter know as she was going to take him to the beach……..and only at that point you notice his lead and harness are also missing.
  8. The terror you feel when you discover the Newfoundland ( him again) has eaten all your boxer’s beef-flavoured heart medication ……And your vet informs you they’re a bit like Viagra…….. “so don’t be bending over in front of him for a few days”
  9. The embarrassment when you’re out with your daughter and her puppy /your ex foster pup and you realise that the small child is not do much excited by the puppy greeting him but distraught by the fact that the puppy has just stolen his Cornish pasty.
  10. The heartache you feel each time you have to say goodbye to a much-loved companion who you could never have enough time on this earth with 🌈

But yes I’d do it all again in a heartbeat ❤️

**ck it list

Turning 50 was a milestone for me. Seriously if Carlsberg ever do mid-life crisis they should come to me for advice! In an around my fiftieth year I felt compelled to do a skydive, abseil, zipline, walk on fire and scariest of all by far I got a “tramp stamp”.

It’s only a little one, it is only one colour, it didn’t take long to do. What was scary about it was I got it for a fiver in the back room of someone’s bungalow. I queued up in a line where the average age ( with me taken out) was possibly 17 ( I’m going on the fact that the majority had come straight from school and were still in their uniforms).I didn’t really have a lot of choice where to get it as I wanted it somewhere discreet but I had a room full of teenagers watching while I was having to bare the skin for the needle 🙈

Now despite the fact that in my head I feel nowhere near 55 and (5 years ago I certainly didn’t feel 50) I do live in a house with mirrors so I am well aware that the outside world views me without the filters I view myself through (although my mirrors are coated with a generous helping of newfy slobber). I didn’t want to be responsible for traumatising half the teenage population of Carrickfergus. I expect they’re traumatised enough when they realise they live in Carrick.

Why hasn’t anyone thought yet of inventing lenses/glasses with all those wonderful filters you can use on your photos so that everyone looks so much more attractive? Not necessarily the ones with the bunny ears and cute little noses. Just the ones that smooth out wrinkles, fade freckles, whiten teeth, sparkle your eyes and take years off you? I mean I’ve walked past people in the street thinking “I wonder if that’s so-and-so’s mum – from Facebook cos it’s the image of her but about 20 years older” . Were I wearing my filter lenses I’d recognise you in real life! If you were wearing yours you might recognise me too …..then again possibly not as most people seem to assume I spend my life in a unicorn onesie and wellies……including my family 🤔😳

Anyway that’s enough rambling I only came on briefly to say “happy birthday” tattoo you give me the motivation to keep an eye on my weight as I don’t want to end up in a nursing home with what appears to be an elephant paw print on the underside of my belly 👵🏼 …..Mind you it would get the staff talking about what sort of life I must have lead 🤔 Pass me the cake 🎂