Teed off

Marriage tip -Don’t let your husband play golf near anywhere you love to walk.

Me, walking, enjoying the mountains, the sand dunes with the sea appearing, the sound of the birds, the sound of the waves …….And him rabbiting on “Can you see that green over there that’s where Jonny…….” “Look at the the tee box…..when I teed off from there……”

I’m pretty teed off myself! Thank goodness dogs don’t golf! Stick with the dogs for walking …..You may have to pick up 💩 but you want have to listen to it 🙉

PS I love him really ❤️

Who loves ya baby

So I’m currently listening to a hypnosis app to help me eat healthier and hopefully lose weight. It’s working I think- the world population of jelly babies is currently safe while last week I was almost single-handedly putting them on the endangered species list.

I suppose I am fairly suggestible…..I did spend an evening starting off going to watch a stage hypnotist and ended up crawling under tables looking for my leprochaun. My husband thought the funniest part was when I was made to believe the hypnotist was my dream man….George Clooney. I sobbed and told I was devastated his pig had died. Not what he’d expected…..He didn’t know that the reason George was my dream man was because he had until recently been the owner of a much-loved pot bellied pig. Apparently not everyone knew that!!!

I go to the cinema to watch a movie and before the movie starts I want to leave to get a new phone,a Spanish beer and join the Territorial Army! I’m an advertiser’s dream!

So my hypnotist today has suggested that I think of someone who loves me deeply and try looking at myself through their eyes. I think it’s working……I keep seeing myself as a doggie sausage!

Dirty dancing

Well not quite “dirty” but certainly not what I was expecting. At the tender age of 52 I was thinking I’d love to do a dance class for fitness. A friend suggested I came along to her burlesque class. Now I shouldn’t have been surprised but I was. There were subtle clues I totally missed

1. The friend was in her early 20’s

2. The class was in a pole dancing studio

3. We were told to bring feather boas

4. It was called “burlesque”

I’m not sure quite what I expected but what I didn’t expect was the friend (and instructor )to be in her underwear (although my husband wanted to join the following week when I told him) . Nor did I expect to have to dance seductively……My seducing days were long last……Actually I’m pretty sure I missed out on them completely.

The highlight of my night was learning how to remove my stocking “seductively”.I think what made it even more interesting was that I wasn’t wearing stockings but I was given a thick woolly over-the-knee sock as a substitute.

Now I don’t want you to have nightmares but just picture a 52 year old lady in T-shirt and leggings seductively removing a big woolly sock and you’ll see why I never made it to a second class. I think I need to work on my moves 😳🙈

Horses for courses and other animals

I’m a dog lover -always have been- but I’m always willing to help out a animals in distress. I’ve chased cows in high heels ( to be fair they don’t run fast in high heels 😉) I’m always looking out for sheep that might need rolling over (Google it if you don’t know …..I’m not here to educate). So I’m appealing to all horse owner please keep your horses secure!

I’m tired of standing in the road late at night or early morning trying to slow down traffic while drivers toot recklessly at “the mad woman in onesie playing with her horse in the middle of the road”

I know nothing about horses…..Except they’re big and I don’t ever want to see what happens when one collides with a car!

My poor husband’s face the night he was wakened out of bed by banging at the door and came down to find me and a very large, strange horse looking through the glass!

“I don’t care what you say Deborah under no circumstances are you bringing that into our house!”

I only wanted him to ring the police for me 😂

So if you see a woman in a onesie or in a dress and high heels with a horse, or a cow in the middle of the road please slow down! Better still offer to help even if only by phoning the police! She is either just trying to stop an accident……Or she needs locked up for her own good…..Or possibly both 😜

A blue boob and Pocahontas

How are the two connected? Well they’re not really except that they were both times when I ended up looking slightly crazy while trying to do the right thing.

Let’s start with the boob as I know that’s why you’re here.

Any woman who has found a lump in her breast knows the fear that courses through you…..But thankfully for 9 out of 10 of us those lumps will turn out to be something harmless. In my case they’re cysts. Once I found one and as usual made a GP appointment to have it checked out. Knowing how busy doctors are and wanting to make life simple I marked the spot with a big black x …..And went to work.

Later that day I explained to the GP why I was there and undressed for the examination telling her ( smugly) I’d marked the lump with felt tip…….What had started out that morning as a small neat black “x” was now a big blue smudge covering the whole of my breast! I have the most professional GP ever! She excused herself , left the room briefly then returned acting as if a blue boob was something she examined every day of the week 🙈

Pocahontas was again one of those times were things took an expected turn. I was a nursery teacher and we were having a fancy dress party at school- see straightforward so far).I decided to be Pocahontas and to wear my costume to and from school as I was going straight there and home…..I thought.

Getting there wasn’t an issue, the party went well and the children loved my costume. Then for the drive home.

Well, along the busiest road on my journey home, in rush hour traffic, I spotted a tiny dog running back and forward dodging cars and lorries and no-one was stopping! So I did….I stopped and I chased and I risked life and limb getting tooted at……but I got it safely back to its home were the owner snstched it from me without a word and closed the door in my face! I was livid. I went home and told my husband the whole sorry tale!

“I get why you’re annoyed” he said ” you see an ungrateful owner whose dog you saved…… However…….I see a woman who opens her door, sees a lunatic in war paint standing there holding her dogs so grabs it and gets herself and it safely inside and phones the police! The sight of you running around like that in broad daylight was likely to cause more accidents then the dog!”

Just as well I wasn’t in my pirate costume then 🤔