I shouldn’t happen to a vet

My husband tells me that one day my vet will write his memoirs and I will feature heavily in them.

I’m the owner who asked the vet to examine a tumour on the bottom of my little poodle. All I’ll say is I know why they are called poo-dles and the tumour didn’t need to be biopsies 💩😳

I’m also the client who got her vet to meet me at the surgery for an emergency appointment for a cat with a blocked bladder who couldn’t pass urine. One looked at the vet and the cat flooded the surgery 🌊

Then there were the visits with Finn the Newfoundland because

“He got the lid of a tin of quality Street and ate them all……papers and all!”

“He opened the fridge door and ate two dozen chocolate brownies”

“He opened the oven door and ate a dozen mince pies that were cooling down”

Or “He got the dogs’ medicine box and ate all Henry’s ( our boxer) beef flavoured heart tablets”

The vet told me not to worry too much about that one…… “They’re vasodilators…….like Viagra…….just don’t bend over in front of him for the next few days”

But not incidents were my fault. What about the time I took the two guinea pigs for a check up? The young vet listened to the heart of the first one and it promptly passed away! He refused to listen to the heart of the second guinea pig 🤷‍♀️

Or the time the vet kept ignoring me as she walked back and forwards through the waiting room eventually asking

“Are you being seen to?”

“I’m waiting to see you”

“Do you have an animal out in the car?”

“No it’s on my knee” I said pointing to a very largesse doing leopard tortoise

“OMG I thought that was your handbag!”

Losing your mind and finding yourself

I did lose my mind. I didn’t realise I was losing it. I thought it was right there guiding me. Trouble was it was guiding me in a different direction every five minutes until I couldn’t keep up!

It was like one of those superballs. You’d send it off one direction and with a few giant leaps it was somewhere totally different…..often taking a few casualties along the way!

Eventually ….as with all good things…..and thankfully most bad…..this period of my life came to an end….a fairly abrupt end at that.

The next four years were spent trying to put the shattered pieces back together again. Therapy…..drugs…..drugs…..therapy.

For me mindfulness was the key that finally reached deep inside me and found the tiny shred of my mind that was still well. The little bit that could regenerate and strengthen if given a lot of care.

I don’t sit crossed legged and hum…..but if that works for you then go for it. I try to keep bringing myself back to the here and now if only for a few brief moments at a time. Listening to the birds, smelling the flowers, tasting the ice cream, really feeling the fur of my dogs as I stroke them.

Photography has really helped me. It makes me really stop and think about what I’m seeing, the colour, the texture, the detail.

I love playing around with editing too- using different filters and techniques to distort the reality of what I saw before me. That’s what mental illness does. It distorts reality and my “work” reminds me of this.

So now I’ve decided to try my hand at painting. I’ve never painted- other than walls, fences, cupboards, chairs, tables…..ok I have painted…..but not pictures.

I’ll never be a professional photographer, nor will I be an artist ( all that cutting off ears and starving in attics isn’t really me anyway). But I’ve discovered a peace and a joy that has helped heal my tattered mind. It is finding the beauty in the here and now. Playing with it, distorting it, capturing it either exactly as it is or in how it makes me feel.

So losing my mind wasn’t such a bad thing. In trying yo find it again I found a me I never even knew existed 😊

Who loves ya baby

So I’m currently listening to a hypnosis app to help me eat healthier and hopefully lose weight. It’s working I think- the world population of jelly babies is currently safe while last week I was almost single-handedly putting them on the endangered species list.

I suppose I am fairly suggestible…..I did spend an evening starting off going to watch a stage hypnotist and ended up crawling under tables looking for my leprochaun. My husband thought the funniest part was when I was made to believe the hypnotist was my dream man….George Clooney. I sobbed and told I was devastated his pig had died. Not what he’d expected…..He didn’t know that the reason George was my dream man was because he had until recently been the owner of a much-loved pot bellied pig. Apparently not everyone knew that!!!

I go to the cinema to watch a movie and before the movie starts I want to leave to get a new phone,a Spanish beer and join the Territorial Army! I’m an advertiser’s dream!

So my hypnotist today has suggested that I think of someone who loves me deeply and try looking at myself through their eyes. I think it’s working……I keep seeing myself as a doggie sausage!

Dogs, dogs and more dogs

My family think I’m obsessed with dogs which is totally nonsense. I’m not obsessed with them at all……I just like them that’s all……quite a lot.

Most dogs like me too. That’s the reason I have to stop to say hello to them. I can see them looking at me as I walk past……Not in a passing glance sort of way but in a very definite “Yoohoo I’m over here” way! It would be hurtful to ignore that!

My husband was adamant I should at least have tried to ignore it at LA airport security but the beautiful springer spaniel was determined I should talk to him before he carried out his search duties….Which did cause both my husband and the security guard a few anxious moments.

I wonder if I’ve been a dog in a past life? Is that why I have that affinity with them? I don’t generally sniff lampposts or greet people with a nose up their bottom but I do like eating, sleeping, going for walks and being made a fuss off. To be fair in my other past life working with young children I have followed a few around, nose close to bottom height sniffing -not my favourite part of the job 😷 💩

Anyway I’m certainly not obsessed with dogs- despite the fact my son just told me that his friend says he tells his new pup “just a quick hello then walk on” is appropriate on meeting another dog. ” Just like we need to keep reminding you mum!”

Dirty dancing

Well not quite “dirty” but certainly not what I was expecting. At the tender age of 52 I was thinking I’d love to do a dance class for fitness. A friend suggested I came along to her burlesque class. Now I shouldn’t have been surprised but I was. There were subtle clues I totally missed

1. The friend was in her early 20’s

2. The class was in a pole dancing studio

3. We were told to bring feather boas

4. It was called “burlesque”

I’m not sure quite what I expected but what I didn’t expect was the friend (and instructor )to be in her underwear (although my husband wanted to join the following week when I told him) . Nor did I expect to have to dance seductively……My seducing days were long last……Actually I’m pretty sure I missed out on them completely.

The highlight of my night was learning how to remove my stocking “seductively”.I think what made it even more interesting was that I wasn’t wearing stockings but I was given a thick woolly over-the-knee sock as a substitute.

Now I don’t want you to have nightmares but just picture a 52 year old lady in T-shirt and leggings seductively removing a big woolly sock and you’ll see why I never made it to a second class. I think I need to work on my moves 😳🙈

Horses for courses and other animals

I’m a dog lover -always have been- but I’m always willing to help out a animals in distress. I’ve chased cows in high heels ( to be fair they don’t run fast in high heels 😉) I’m always looking out for sheep that might need rolling over (Google it if you don’t know …..I’m not here to educate). So I’m appealing to all horse owner please keep your horses secure!

I’m tired of standing in the road late at night or early morning trying to slow down traffic while drivers toot recklessly at “the mad woman in onesie playing with her horse in the middle of the road”

I know nothing about horses…..Except they’re big and I don’t ever want to see what happens when one collides with a car!

My poor husband’s face the night he was wakened out of bed by banging at the door and came down to find me and a very large, strange horse looking through the glass!

“I don’t care what you say Deborah under no circumstances are you bringing that into our house!”

I only wanted him to ring the police for me 😂

So if you see a woman in a onesie or in a dress and high heels with a horse, or a cow in the middle of the road please slow down! Better still offer to help even if only by phoning the police! She is either just trying to stop an accident……Or she needs locked up for her own good…..Or possibly both 😜