How to be the perfect housewife

I think after 32 years of being a housewife I have learned a few things worth passing on. You may thank me later 👏

  1. Vacuum cleaners are dangerous. Never, ever try to see if something is blocking the suction while wearing a scarf…..Particularly if the vacuum has a revolving brush.
  2. Robot vacuums are not a great idea when you have pets. The hairs cause it to get quite unwell and if it ever meets up with a pet “accident” (particularly the number 2 kind) then you will have faeces scattered across floors, furniture and curtains. Seriously I thought my robot was having its own “dirty protest” 😷
  3. Mobile phones have very useful little torches which are great if you have a sudden power cut because you accidentally cut through a wire…….Unless it isn’t charged.
  4. NEVER use your torch on your mobile phone for trying to see what’s happening at the bottom of your water tank 💦
  5. Use a step ladder to change a light bulb…. don’t stand on the extending table…Especially not on one with a folding middle section.
  6. Inflatable hot tubs are best not used in the house ……Or at least if you must DON’T leave the hose running to fill it then go start something different 🌊
  7. If you don’t want to get your clothes painted while decorating wear an overall DON’T take them all off…….Or at least make sure there is no-one likely to be in the house 🙈
  8. Don’t put the dinner on to cook then go out to take the dogs a “quick walk”,if the weather is good and you are easily distracted 🔥
  9. All those little tubes you find on your washing machine have a purpose. If you take the machine apart for any reason and have a spare tube when you put it together again DON’T turn it on 🌊
  10. And as I’ve intimated already in another post but will repeat as it is so important …..When throwing old furniture out of upstairs windows ALWAYS check if there’s anyone below first 😱

**ck it list

Turning 50 was a milestone for me. Seriously if Carlsberg ever do mid-life crisis they should come to me for advice! In an around my fiftieth year I felt compelled to do a skydive, abseil, zipline, walk on fire and scariest of all by far I got a “tramp stamp”.

It’s only a little one, it is only one colour, it didn’t take long to do. What was scary about it was I got it for a fiver in the back room of someone’s bungalow. I queued up in a line where the average age ( with me taken out) was possibly 17 ( I’m going on the fact that the majority had come straight from school and were still in their uniforms).I didn’t really have a lot of choice where to get it as I wanted it somewhere discreet but I had a room full of teenagers watching while I was having to bare the skin for the needle 🙈

Now despite the fact that in my head I feel nowhere near 55 and (5 years ago I certainly didn’t feel 50) I do live in a house with mirrors so I am well aware that the outside world views me without the filters I view myself through (although my mirrors are coated with a generous helping of newfy slobber). I didn’t want to be responsible for traumatising half the teenage population of Carrickfergus. I expect they’re traumatised enough when they realise they live in Carrick.

Why hasn’t anyone thought yet of inventing lenses/glasses with all those wonderful filters you can use on your photos so that everyone looks so much more attractive? Not necessarily the ones with the bunny ears and cute little noses. Just the ones that smooth out wrinkles, fade freckles, whiten teeth, sparkle your eyes and take years off you? I mean I’ve walked past people in the street thinking “I wonder if that’s so-and-so’s mum – from Facebook cos it’s the image of her but about 20 years older” . Were I wearing my filter lenses I’d recognise you in real life! If you were wearing yours you might recognise me too …..then again possibly not as most people seem to assume I spend my life in a unicorn onesie and wellies……including my family 🤔😳

Anyway that’s enough rambling I only came on briefly to say “happy birthday” tattoo you give me the motivation to keep an eye on my weight as I don’t want to end up in a nursing home with what appears to be an elephant paw print on the underside of my belly 👵🏼 …..Mind you it would get the staff talking about what sort of life I must have lead 🤔 Pass me the cake 🎂

What brought me here?

“Everything that I’ve done has made me who I am today. You know, it’s cliche, but it’s true.” – Kristin Cavallari

Did you ever sit and wonder what happened to that determined, little girl who knew exactly what she wanted from life and was determined to get there? Where is that ambitious, focused, hard-working but cool teenager who knew just where she was going?

No? Me neither.

I was the day-dreamer, the slightly eccentric, shy child who adored dogs and loved roaming in fields in wellies ( I don’t think onesies were available in the 60’s).

From there I became the awkward shy teen, who still daydreamed (and occasionally fell asleep in school),who still loved dogs but had no longer fields behind my house to roam in.(I think I’ve just spotted one of those pivotal moments  worth chatting to my psychiatrist about.)

I was always slightly accident prone. Well perhaps slightly doesn’t decrease a clear image. The fatherof-the-bride speech by my beloved dad included this “ If there’s one piece of advice I would,  give you when marrying my daughter it would be this……make sure you take out plenty of insurance”

Which reminds me I managed not to buy any more tools yesterday in B&Q. I didn’t get the floor down before dinner either so I’m off to do that now. I did manage to throw the old bed out of the landing window and I even remembered to shout a warning out the window before I let it fall! Unlike the time  I threw the chest of drawers out the window without a warning and my son was having a “quiet” cigarette at the front door. Sadly it still hasn’t stopped him smoking even though he discovered that day just how easily smoking could kill! I hope he has plenty of insurance DDADC243-0231-4D81-96F0-D0778F189D4F